How many times have you heard this exchange?
Employee 1: I think we could try __________ (change, idea, process, strategy, etc).
Employee 2: We could do that, BUT _________ (potential problems, objections and issues).
A few years ago I began to take notice how often the word ‘but’ pops up in conversations and the limiting effect it brings.
Using the word “but” dismisses potential and possibility, replacing it with defensiveness and limitation.
When initial thoughts or ideas are reframed in this way, the speaker is automatically dismissing the other option with an oppositional claim. The potential for possibility, collaboration and brainstorming is shifted into argument and limitation, closing down the ability to even consider other potentials.
I hear the same situation in the internal thought processes of my clients:
Client: I hate my job and would love to do something else, BUT I have to pay my mortgage, bills, support my family, send kids to college, put money in retirement, etc.
Again, the second part of the statement, following the ‘but’, dismisses the first and closes down possibility.
I am not saying that you should ignore potential problems and issues. It is absolutely important to analyze the positive and negative aspects of any decision before reaching a conclusion.
My suggestion is to change one small word and see a powerful paradigm shift.
Instead of BUT, try using AND.
Here’s how the first example would sound:
Person 1: I think we could try __________ (change, idea, process, strategy, etc).
Person 2: Yes, AND _________ (potential problems and issues).
Using AND validates the previous points made and introduces potential issues as well, letting them coexist in the conversation.
All the information presented can be considered and evaluated openly.
And if my clients make the same change:
Client (revised): I hate my job and would love to do something else, AND I have to pay my mortgage, bills, support my family, send kids to college, put money in retirement, etc.
This recognizes that both situations can coexist. Yes, there are conditions that the client needs to meet to keep life working and, at the same time, he can recognize the desire for something more, something better.
Opening up options and possibility is a life-giving contribution that we can bring, simply by allowing more ANDs into our thoughts and conversations.
Yes, using the word but is an ingrained habit that’s difficult to change…
AND…
it’s worth it!
