When we are young, we function from dependence. We need adults to take care of us and we must rely on them.

As we grow into our teens, we experience independence. We’re able to do more and more for ourselves. We learn to make our own meals, pick out our own clothing, and invest in our own interests.

We develop our identities as an individuals and live them out in the world.

Unfortunately, individuals (and countries) get stuck and unable to move past the stage of independence. Thoughts and actions become centered around the independent self, disregarding others.

Interdependence is the next developmental stage that we should strive toward.

Interdependence recognizes that we are emotionally, financially, ecologically and morally “interdependent,” that we are mutually and physically responsible to each other.

In business this can be seen in working to create “win-win” situations.

In personal life this can be seen in fulfilling relationships with family and friends and in making the world a better place for all.

Enjoy celebrating our Independence Day.

And create and celebrate your Interdependence Day as well.

Here are some wise people to learn from:

“Independent thinking alone is not suited to interdependent reality. Independent people who do not have the maturity to think and act interdependently may be good individual producers, but they won’t be good leaders or team players. They’re not coming from the paradigm of interdependence necessary to succeed in marriage, family, or organizational reality.” – Stephen Covey

“Interdependence is and ought to be as much the ideal of man as self-sufficiency. Man is a social being. Without interrelation with society he cannot realize his oneness with the universe or suppress his egotism. His social interdependence enables him to test his faith and to prove himself on the touchstone of reality.” –Mahatma Gandhi

“…for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

“When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe.” – John Muir

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Does your interior dialogue ever sound like this:

• I should exercise more.
• I should go to church.
• I should eat better.
• I should call my mother (father, grandparent, etc)
• I should take that class.
• I should go see a counselor.
• I should start my business.
• I should be able to do it.

Or your thoughts (and comments) about others sound like this:

• He should do what he said he should do.
• She should apologize to him.
• He should cook more.
• She should take care of the problem with the car.
• He should call his sister.
• He should help me.
• She should help my friend.

Should can be a very limiting and hurtful way of thinking toward others and ourselves.

Look at the definition:

Should: used to indicate obligation, duty or correctness, typically when criticizing someone’s actions.

At its core, should communicates obligation and duty. It judges the correctness of the action or behavior.

And that just creates guilt and shame.

In reality, these are judgment calls of opinion, not fact.

Years ago I decided that I would eliminate the word ‘should’ from my vocabulary.

Here are two ways to modify the should dialogue, by stating the benefit and recognizing opinion.

1. State the benefit.

The first change is to replace the word ‘should’ with the actual, tangible benefit we think the proposed action will give us or another person.

Example:

“I should exercise more.”

Now, stating the benefit:

“I’d be in better shape (or lose weight, or be able to play that sport, etc) if I exercised more.”

All of a sudden, the obligation disappears. There’s no implied guilt.

It’s a cause-and-effect situation now. Exercise and get in better shape. Or don’t.

2. Recognize the opinion.

The second change to make is to implicitly state that these are opinions.

By doing so, it removes the pressure of absolute truth and potential judgment.

And when you’ve already made the first adjustment, it creates a powerful shift.

Example:

“She should apologize to him.”

Applying the first change, we get something like this:

“She would feel closer to him if she apologizes.”

Although that might be the most likely outcome, there are other possibilities. He could refuse to accept an apology. He could blow up at her. He could storm out of the room.

Recognizing that we’re stating our opinion, which is never 100% accurate, we can apply the second change:

“I think she would feel closer to him if she apologized.”

And the original:

“She should apologize to him.”

If you say both out loud I think you’ll see the difference.

Now write down a few of your own ‘should’ statements. Then apply the two modifications listed above and see how they change for the better.

I’d love to hear in the comments about the ‘should’ statement you’ve rewritten.

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Our lives tend to move regardless of our attention…or lack thereof.

They drift.

Suddenly, we discover:

• Recycling has accumulated
• Grass cutting is overdue
• We’re out of coffee
• Work hours have increased
• We haven’t taken a day off in a year
• That report isn’t done
• We can’t remember our last date with our spouse
• We’re fatter
• We haven’t called our parents in months
• Blog posts are less frequent
• We’re spending a lot of time on things that aren’t important

The fight against drift is an ever-present battle.

I know I’m drifting.

Are you?

Where?

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“I thought you were a dog person.”

That’s what my friend said last year after I told him I was the happy owner of two kittens.

For much of my life I would’ve agreed with him.

And I would’ve been wrong.

When I was young, my parents finally relented to ongoing pleas for a dog by allowing a white Chihuahua-Terrier mix into our home.

Though hardly a dog person’s dog, I identified myself as such, dismissing cat ownership as a non-manly enterprise.

Throughout the years I likely chimed in on cat-bashing when the topic arose.

When I later married, my wife and I ended up with a Lab-Chow mix that was with us for fourteen years. We later found Jasper, our Chesapeake Bay Retriever (pictured above), when our first dog together had passed.

The funny thing was that cats seemed to like me…and I actually liked them. I just wouldn’t admit that I did.

Unfortunately, I had given in to some sort of external pressure or concept that men shouldn’t like cats.

Luckily this false belief was able to dissolve away over time. (I don’t think of myself as a dog or cat person now. I think all animals are pretty awesome. Especially Nigerian Dwarf Goats – here and here.)

We all take on beliefs and opinions that originate from others, without fully investigating their validity. It’s part of our ongoing growth to habitually review, process and adjust based on our own values.

Let’s be the people we are and not worry about what the rest are thinking.

And now, the obligatory ‘awwwww’ kitten photo (from last summer):

And here’s the kitten story if you’re interested:

Last summer, my wife was walking Jasper when a cat came out of nowhere, flew through the air, and clamped onto Jasper’s backside before racing off.

Turns out that this stray had a litter nearby and was being a protective mother. We found a pile of weeks old kittens under a bush.

When the mother started moving them around five weeks old, a neighbor took the litter into her home and we visited them there.

My wife had a cat when we first met and had always wanted another. My allergy-prone brother was the main obstacle – but he lives in California and, with three children, plane fare to Maryland is expensive and prohibitive to visiting.

So I said we should think about taking a kitten. In fact, I said we should take two and picked those two.

My wife was fairly stunned and suggested taking only one. For some strange reason (which I still can’t explain) I insisted on two, even saying it was “two or none.”

It’s been almost a year since we brought Oberon (gray) and Tyberius (ginger) home and have no regrets.

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How many times have you heard this exchange?

Employee 1: I think we could try __________ (change, idea, process, strategy, etc).

Employee 2: We could do that, BUT _________ (potential problems, objections and issues).

A few years ago I began to take notice how often the word ‘but’ pops up in conversations and the limiting effect it brings.

Using the word “but” dismisses potential and possibility, replacing it with defensiveness and limitation.

When initial thoughts or ideas are reframed in this way, the speaker is automatically dismissing the other option with an oppositional claim. The potential for possibility, collaboration and brainstorming is shifted into argument and limitation, closing down the ability to even consider other potentials.

I hear the same situation in the internal thought processes of my clients:

Client: I hate my job and would love to do something else, BUT I have to pay my mortgage, bills, support my family, send kids to college, put money in retirement, etc.

Again, the second part of the statement, following the ‘but’, dismisses the first and closes down possibility.

I am not saying that you should ignore potential problems and issues. It is absolutely important to analyze the positive and negative aspects of any decision before reaching a conclusion.

My suggestion is to change one small word and see a powerful paradigm shift.

Instead of BUT, try using AND.

Here’s how the first example would sound:

Person 1: I think we could try __________ (change, idea, process, strategy, etc).

Person 2: Yes, AND _________ (potential problems and issues).

Using AND validates the previous points made and introduces potential issues as well, letting them coexist in the conversation.

All the information presented can be considered and evaluated openly.

And if my clients make the same change:

Client (revised): I hate my job and would love to do something else, AND I have to pay my mortgage, bills, support my family, send kids to college, put money in retirement, etc.

This recognizes that both situations can coexist. Yes, there are conditions that the client needs to meet to keep life working and, at the same time, he can recognize the desire for something more, something better.

Opening up options and possibility is a life-giving contribution that we can bring, simply by allowing more ANDs into our thoughts and conversations.

Yes, using the word but is an ingrained habit that’s difficult to change…

AND…

it’s worth it!

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Twelve-Step programs define insanity as ‘doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.’

Examples are:

• wanting to be thinner without changing diet or exercise

• wanting a raise without improving performance

• wanting work we enjoy while staying at the same miserable job

• wanting a better marriage while continuing to be workaholics

• wanting a better life without defining a ‘better life’

• wanting financial stability while continuing to spend more than income allows

• wanting greater business success without making any changes or improvements

Where is this affecting your life? Where do you continue to repeat the same actions while wishing life were different?

Insanity is overrated. Make a change today.

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Time with my friends is one of the highest priorities in my life.

My friends enrich my life in too many ways to count. Each friend brings their own unique being, connecting with me in a way no one else does. Each one makes my life better and worth living.

On the flip side, I hope that I can do the same for them.

Here’s a list of suggestions, in no particular order, for being a true friend.

• give a gift
• stop by unexpectedly
• send a card
• call for no reason
• tell them what you like about them
• go on a road trip together
• get their car washed
• connect them to another friend
• ask how you can be a better friend
• listen well
• remember their birthdays
• check in regarding past issues
• resolve current issues
• take them to lunch/dinner/breakfast/coffee
• share inside jokes
• share painful experiences
• share a secret
• play a fun prank
• rake their leaves
• join a sport together
• share your emotions
• make a promise and fulfill it
• mail a letter (especially if you live close by)
• remember the past
• be honest
• call them on their crap
• go running with them (or walking, or jogging, or swimming, or workout)
• create or work on something together (novel, car, house)
• laugh together
• cry together
• hug
• go camping
• look them in the eye
• create a secret handshake
• be loyal
• swap magazine subscriptions
• spend time with their kids
• go away overnight together
• create an annual event
• take adventure trips together
• take a class together
• go to church, mosque, synagogue together
• combine family vacations
• pray together
• meditate together
• practice yoga together
• study a book together
• work for the same company
• share your stuff
• co-own your stuff
• live together
• find a hobby to share
• feed the homeless together
• support the same cause
• ask for advice
• ask them to help you be a better person
• show your love for them through words and actions

Creating this list was a great reminder that it takes effort to be great friend.

What suggestions would you add to this list? I’d love to hear from you in the comments.

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Last Friday I went sailing on a boat like the one above and it was fantastic.

My friend Bill emailed me Wednesday evening with an invite. Turned out to be a perfect day, a little fog in the morning that burned off for a sunny afternoon. I loved every minute of it.

(Here’s a bonus tip for you before this post sets sail. On a previous occasion I made it clear that, due to my flexible schedule, it was possible I could be available at a moment’s notice for a sailing trip. Thus the invite. The point: Say what you want.)

Reflecting on my experience over the weekend, I realized that sailing is a great metaphor for success in life.

Here are eight tips for sailing to success.

1. Be Shipshape

A boat that has been neglected could result in a miserable, potentially fatal, experience.

Hull integrity is necessary to keep the boat floating. A working motor allows for piloting in and out of a dock, as well as the ability to keep moving in a dead calm. Sails and lines in good condition are a must for sailing, period.

In the same way, your physical body is the vehicle for your journey, with the same risks of neglect.

Whether you are planning a new direction in life or well on your way, take stock of your current physical condition.

Do you need to change the quality or quantity of your diet? How’s your level of exercise? Any health issues that you’re putting off or not attending to?

Here are three easy steps to shape up:

- Walk 30 minutes three times a week.

- Eat less food and drink more water.

- Get up to date on all medical checkups.

2. Know Why You Are Sailing

Last Friday, all I knew was that we were sailing out into the Bay. Since my goal was the experience of sailing, not reaching a specific destination, that was all I needed.

If I were to buy my own boat and sail regularly, I’d start to develop goals for each outing. I might want to learn and practice a new skill, entertain friends or to have lunch over on St. Michael’s. Knowing my purpose before sailing would allow me to take action toward my goal.

As I work with men to bring more passion and purpose into their lives, it’s common to hear them talk about wanting to make a change but not have an end result defined.

Having definite goals is a must for success. Goals can be small or large, for long-term change or brief stops on the way to the next goal.

Use these three questions to begin to plot your course:

- What are the feelings you want to have when you reach your goal?

- What conditions need to exist to provide those feelings?

- What do you need to do to create those conditions in your life?

3. Sail With A Crew (And An Experienced Crew Is Even Better)

Even though I didn’t know the first thing about sailing, my friend has twenty years of experience on the water. As a result, he could take care of all sailing tasks and include me as he determined was wise. This also allowed him some different options, such as heading out to the prow to sightsee while I was at the helm.

It’s easy to assume you have to learn how to do everything well. Easy to forget that the structure of our economy is to pay someone else for something you want but don’t do (or want to do) personally.

Adding people to your life that can join and assist you on our path to success provides support, knowledge, experience and skills that you need.

Ask these three questions to staff your ship:

- Who do you know that has the experience you lack?

- Where can you find professionals that can assist you in the remaining areas?

- What tasks can you turn over to someone else?

4. Question The Captain

I definitely know much more about sailing today than I did last Friday morning.

During our time on the water, I continually asked questions about sailing. I learned about the names of different types of boats and how they’re different, how to adjust the sail to catch the wind, how the length of the boat relates to its top speed and how to read the various buoys and markers.

When you find experienced people on your path, try to find out what you can. Prioritize and ask your two most important questions and, if they’re open, ask even more.

We’ve all heard the saying ‘the only stupid question is the one not asked.’

Question yourself and others to quickly move up through the ranks:

- What are the strengths of my plan?

- What are the weaknesses of my plan?

- What am I missing?

5. Follow The Markers

There are a number of marker, buoys and lighthouse on the water to guide sailors to safety.

Certain buoys mark places where shoals jut out into the water, where a boat could run aground. Some have green or red lights on them, to guide a boat moving in or out of an inlet. (On the way out, keep red on left and green on right. Reverse on the way back in.) Lighthouses have always guided sailors away from rocky points.

Keep a lookout:

- Are you checking your course?

- Are you too close to places you could run aground?

- Can you see indicators that you’re still on the right path?

6. Harness The Elements

One art of sailing is the ability to consistently get the most out of the elements at hand. Experienced sailors are able to read the set of the sail, the pattern of the waves, the way a boat rides in the water and the clouds on the horizon. Adjustments are made on a regular basis on maximize effort.

You can use this principle in evaluating how you spend your time and your return on investment. You want to continually refine what works and abandon what doesn’t.

Maximize your efforts:

- Are you working at peak performance?

- What actions can you refine?

- What do you need to stop doing?

7. Correct Your Course

The entire time we were out on the water, whomever was steering had to keep make small corrections to keep us on course.

Wind, waves, the boat and my steering all combined to cause varying degrees of drift.

Our lives drift off course as well, nudged by pressures of work, family, friends, fitness and more. We need to continually check our momentum against the our goals.

Check your course:

- Do you need to hire or partner with more or new crew members?

- Do you need to adapt your tactics?

- Do you need to change your direction and return to your initial course?

8. Enjoy The Voyage

Throughout my trip, I was continually aware of how much I was enjoying it.

As you move through life, all too often your focus can shift to being ‘happy’ or having ‘fun’ later, when you’ve achieved the measure of success you deem necessary.

Waiting is a surefire way to miss the best parts of your life. Do all you can to appreciate the now and enjoy your journey as well as anticipating the rewards of your hard work.

Consider:

- Are you living your core passions and purpose?

- Are you looking forward to the outcome?

- Are you enjoying the journey?

Use these tips to live out the passion and purpose of your life and sail into the life of your dreams.

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I just read The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level, by Gay Hendricks.

Actually, I read it twice.

I am always on the lookout for ways to enrich my coaching, to offer my clients more value and guidance. This book has definitely contributed.

The main point Hendricks makes is on page 28:

“…you will never be fully satisfied until you have anchored yourself in your Zone of Genius.”

Our activities in the world can be sorted into four zones:

• Incompetence
• Competence
• Excellence
• Genius

The goal is to discover one’s Zone of Genius and pursue the activities that fall within that zone.

So what’s the problem?

Hendricks reveals that we have an ULP, an Upper Limit Problem. Here’s a description:

Each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success, and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy. When we exceed our inner thermostat setting, we will often do something to sabotage ourselves, causing us to drop back into the old, familiar zone where we feel secure. (p. 20)

From there he goes on to identify Four Hidden Barriers, typical ways we Upper-Limit ourselves, and a process for overcoming and moving into your Zone of Genius.

It’s clear, applicable and easy to read. If the thought of finding fulfillment in your Zone of Genius resonates with you, order The Big Leap now.

I’ve found myself thinking not only about how this can be useful to my clients, but also how this applies in my own life. There are choices I make that draw me away from my Zone of Genius, which does not bring the fulfillment I seek.

Already I can identify changes I can make today and shifts I can plan to work in as I make time. (The phrase ‘make time’ is due to another point Hendricks makes regarding our view of time and how it can negatively impact our lives.)

Grab your copy of The Big Leap and prepare to jump into a life of fulfillment.

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Often marriage relationships are taken for granted, expected to work out over the years.

Until the day a couple finds themselves in trouble, with one or both wanting out.

To ensure a great marriage over time, take action today on these four steps for a growing, potentially great, marriage.

1. Make time for each other.

Life throws many distractions at us on a daily basis. Kids are prepped and taken to school, jobs are worked, bills are paid, meals are prepared, homework checked, and exercise occasionally squeezed into the mix. And this process called ‘life’ continues on, catching us up in its momentum.

Unfortunately, time with our spouse is often the first item jettisoned, if it was on the list of “to dos” at all.

Schedule time together with each other on a regular basis, to enjoy one another. Set this priority at the top of your list and do all you can to establish a healthy relational routine in your life.

2. Build intimacy through conversations about feelings, goals and aspirations.

When couples do get time together, conversation can center around all the stuff of life – schedules, work, kids, cars, money, needed vacations, and household maintenance needs. But they aren’t talking about the core issues of how each other are feeling.

To grow your understanding of your partner, and to be understood yourself, share your feelings about life and each other. Tell each other what are your life’s goals at the moment, what you long for and what you fear. Share what makes you happy and what is upsetting.

This is a key element to strengthen a marriage against affairs. As we feel misunderstood and unknown by our spouses, we start to look for the connection elsewhere. Coming together increases relational intimacy and the satisfaction within the marriage.

If you find conversations difficult at times, read my two-part post, 10 Steps to Profitable Conversations, for some guidance.

3. Help each other meet personal needs.

When dating, rarely do young people talk about the needs they have in the relationship. It’s likely they’re not even aware of these needs at the time.

Focusing on need fulfillment is a method of building satisfaction.

As we are continually changing, it can be expected that our needs will change over time. Following our conversations about our deeper selves, we can work to meet each others relational needs.

4. Nurture personal growth.

One positive outcome of personal growth is that it works to strengthen individuals against old inadequacies that can arise to disrupt a relationship. Marriages start out strong as each person rises to the occasion, but after a time unresolved issues can drive a wedge between two people.

Another advantage is that each partner continually has new thoughts and experiences to share with one another, preventing the relationship “boredom” that can set in over time.

There is a lot of information out there about making money, getting fit and finding the ‘right girl.’ In my view, the best part of life is the relationships we experience on our journey.

And the person we marry is the most important of all.

So, along with the rest of your business and life plans, schedule in your marriage building strategy now and enjoy what can be the best part of your life – for the rest of your life!

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