Time with my friends is one of the highest priorities in my life.

My friends enrich my life in too many ways to count. Each friend brings their own unique being, connecting with me in a way no one else does. Each one makes my life better and worth living.

On the flip side, I hope that I can do the same for them.

Here’s a list of suggestions, in no particular order, for being a true friend.

• give a gift
• stop by unexpectedly
• send a card
• call for no reason
• tell them what you like about them
• go on a road trip together
• get their car washed
• connect them to another friend
• ask how you can be a better friend
• listen well
• remember their birthdays
• check in regarding past issues
• resolve current issues
• take them to lunch/dinner/breakfast/coffee
• share inside jokes
• share painful experiences
• share a secret
• play a fun prank
• rake their leaves
• join a sport together
• share your emotions
• make a promise and fulfill it
• mail a letter (especially if you live close by)
• remember the past
• be honest
• call them on their crap
• go running with them (or walking, or jogging, or swimming, or workout)
• create or work on something together (novel, car, house)
• laugh together
• cry together
• hug
• go camping
• look them in the eye
• create a secret handshake
• be loyal
• swap magazine subscriptions
• spend time with their kids
• go away overnight together
• create an annual event
• take adventure trips together
• take a class together
• go to church, mosque, synagogue together
• combine family vacations
• pray together
• meditate together
• practice yoga together
• study a book together
• work for the same company
• share your stuff
• co-own your stuff
• live together
• find a hobby to share
• feed the homeless together
• support the same cause
• ask for advice
• ask them to help you be a better person
• show your love for them through words and actions

Creating this list was a great reminder that it takes effort to be great friend.

What suggestions would you add to this list? I’d love to hear from you in the comments.

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Often marriage relationships are taken for granted, expected to work out over the years.

Until the day a couple finds themselves in trouble, with one or both wanting out.

To ensure a great marriage over time, take action today on these four steps for a growing, potentially great, marriage.

1. Make time for each other.

Life throws many distractions at us on a daily basis. Kids are prepped and taken to school, jobs are worked, bills are paid, meals are prepared, homework checked, and exercise occasionally squeezed into the mix. And this process called ‘life’ continues on, catching us up in its momentum.

Unfortunately, time with our spouse is often the first item jettisoned, if it was on the list of “to dos” at all.

Schedule time together with each other on a regular basis, to enjoy one another. Set this priority at the top of your list and do all you can to establish a healthy relational routine in your life.

2. Build intimacy through conversations about feelings, goals and aspirations.

When couples do get time together, conversation can center around all the stuff of life – schedules, work, kids, cars, money, needed vacations, and household maintenance needs. But they aren’t talking about the core issues of how each other are feeling.

To grow your understanding of your partner, and to be understood yourself, share your feelings about life and each other. Tell each other what are your life’s goals at the moment, what you long for and what you fear. Share what makes you happy and what is upsetting.

This is a key element to strengthen a marriage against affairs. As we feel misunderstood and unknown by our spouses, we start to look for the connection elsewhere. Coming together increases relational intimacy and the satisfaction within the marriage.

If you find conversations difficult at times, read my two-part post, 10 Steps to Profitable Conversations, for some guidance.

3. Help each other meet personal needs.

When dating, rarely do young people talk about the needs they have in the relationship. It’s likely they’re not even aware of these needs at the time.

Focusing on need fulfillment is a method of building satisfaction.

As we are continually changing, it can be expected that our needs will change over time. Following our conversations about our deeper selves, we can work to meet each others relational needs.

4. Nurture personal growth.

One positive outcome of personal growth is that it works to strengthen individuals against old inadequacies that can arise to disrupt a relationship. Marriages start out strong as each person rises to the occasion, but after a time unresolved issues can drive a wedge between two people.

Another advantage is that each partner continually has new thoughts and experiences to share with one another, preventing the relationship “boredom” that can set in over time.

There is a lot of information out there about making money, getting fit and finding the ‘right girl.’ In my view, the best part of life is the relationships we experience on our journey.

And the person we marry is the most important of all.

So, along with the rest of your business and life plans, schedule in your marriage building strategy now and enjoy what can be the best part of your life – for the rest of your life!

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(Part 2 of 2: Steps 6 – 10)

My last post presented the first 5 Steps that start off a great conversation with family, friends, or coworkers.

You can review or catch up here.

Now that you’ve listened patiently, confirmed your comprehension and took time to think about your reply, you can use Steps 6 through 10 to guide you the rest of the way.

6. Get Permission If Needed

When conversations center around emotional and personal issues, asking for permission before proceeding may be helpful.

Here are some situations where you might want to ask permission first:

- Your response suggests they try a different way of acting or behaving.
- Your response points out a flaw or error in their logic.
- Your response provides evidence that contradicts what they just told you.
- Your response lays out a different perspective.
- Your response will share how you’ve been hurt by their actions.

The act of asking permission has several positive results.

- It shows them you value their feelings.
- It prepares them mentally for your response.
- An agreement (people usually agree) shifts their mind to be open to accepting your feedback.
- Lack of agreement is a sure sign of conversational conflict and allows you to reconsider your next steps.

There are a many different ways you can ask for permission, such as:

- “Would you like to hear my perspective on the issue?”
- “I’d like to share with you some research you might not know about.”
- “I think there might be some other ways you could have handled that situation. May I share some?”
- “Can I share with you how I feel about this?”

Of course, not all conversations have issues that require this sort of inquiry. Even so, it’s good to check in with yourself at this point and decide whether getting permission might help the rest of your communication.

7. Share Your Side

Simply put, say what’s on your mind!

The reason this step says ‘your side’ is to keep you focused, clear, on track and centered in your self.

Try to avoid:

- Extremes: Using words like always or never.
- Blaming: Try to avoid ‘fault.’ Use cause and effect linkages if needed.
- Name-calling: Even words like lazy, dumb and unmotivated are names. Describe the actions when you can.
- Projections: Putting your unfavorable feelings onto your partner.
- Intellectualization: Avoid emotional issues through abstract thought.
- Generalizations: Using one situation to represent all situations.

Try to use:

- “I” statements
- Facts for fact and Opinion for opinion (Pay attention and you’ll be amazed how often these get mixed up.)
- Clear language
- Shorter sentences for complicated issues

Hopefully you’re using time to think (Step 5)as you share, which will greatly aid you in your communication.

8. Invite Clarification/Response

In Step 2, when you were the listener, you took the time to make sure you understood your partner. Unfortunately, your partner might not do the same.

As you share your side, check in from time to time with your partner. You can watch facial expressions to pick up on comprehension or ask the questions for your partner, to make sure they are tracking with you.

Don’t assume they understand. When in doubt, ask them.

9. Repeat or Wrap

The goal here is to leave the conversation with both sides satisfied, if possible.

That doesn’t mean everything is resolved in one fell swoop. Many issues take multiple meetings to sort out satisfactorily.

You may run out of time or find that the depth of the issues necessitate taking a break before continuing on. If so, schedule the next meeting or establish the next steps to be taken.

If the conversation has reached its endpoint, a quick summary can wrap it up nicely.

10. Express Gratitude

A final step that works wonders on relationships is to express gratitude to your conversational partner.

Think back to identify applicable topics:

- Your partner was a great listener when you shared your side.
- Your partner honored you by sharing painful parts of their lives.
- Your partner did not become defensive.
- Your partner used humor to avoid negative conflict.
- Your partner was very clear in communication.

It can bring the conversation to a fantastic close to offer your gratitude, as well as a handshake (or hug if appropriate!)

I’d love to hear your experiences with conversations, good and bad, and any suggestions you would like to add. Please leave them in the comments below.

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(Part 1 of 2: Steps 1 – 5)

Successful conversations are an important part of our professional and personal lives. Unfortunately, discussions don’t always work out they way we’d like.

Even though we’ve been having conversations ever since our parents taught us how to talk, we rarely stop to consider the process of a conversation and how we might plan to improve.

Powerful conversations contribute greater success to our marriages, friendships, parenting interactions, work environments…anywhere we talk to others!

Here is a 10-step framework that provides more profitable conversations.

1. Listen

Although this first step may sound obvious, many people are not good listeners.

We are often preoccupied by our thoughts and potential rebuttals and, as a result, miss inflection and nuance that add to the meaning. Or distractions, internal and external, cause us to overlook sections of dialogue.

There are four ways you can focus your listening:

1. Eliminate external distractions.
2. Reduce internal distractions.
3. Agree on the time available for the conversation.
4. Pay attention to your partner.

2. Clarify/Deepen

In our rush to speak our side, we often misunderstand the other person’s point of view and end up backtracking later in the conversation.

When we are listening well, we will pick up on points that are confusing or vague. Some ideas might be summarizing when you would benefit from further exploration. Taking a moment to ask questions both increases comprehension and communicates the value you place on the other person’s comments.

1. State your desire to understand or know more.
2. Ask for the clarification or additional information you desire.
3. Communicate when you have received what you wanted.

3. Be Patient

Use the time agreed upon to guide the pace of your conversation and don’t succumb to internal pressures to quicken the pace or jump to your turn.

1. Breathe.
2. Relax.
3. Watch the clock.

4. Validate/Summarize

It’s always good to make sure you’re on the same page before moving on. Take a moment to check with the other person to make sure you both heard and understood.

1. Summarize.
2. Respond to any misunderstanding.
3. Table topics that may have to be resolved later.
4. Validate feelings.

5. Think

We all love movies with quick verbal repartee, with conversation as a battle of wits. Unfortunately, most of us aren’t supplied with solid scripts before our conversations.

Many of us respond too quickly, often coming across as unclear, confusing, conflicted, defensive or even hurtful.

There is no rule that we have to respond immediately to anyone’s statements. Now is the time to take a moment and reflect on your response.

1. What are the most important issues to address?
2. What emotions are you feeling and how are they affecting your thinking?
3. Do you need more time to think about the issues?

(The “24-Hour” Tip:

A friend once told me that he waits 24 hours before making any important decisions. This also works well for conversations that provoke strong emotions.

One way to use time to help work through emotional conversations is to schedule two or three separate meetings a day or two apart. One person would get to speak the first time, with the other only asking questions or summarizing. The next meeting, at least a day later when emotions have time to settle, would be for the other person’s response, with roles reversed. The third meeting is used for a summary session, with the normal back and forth, to evaluate the success of the conversations.)

* * *

The first five steps are focused on your partner’s full expression and your comprehension. Follow them and not only will your partner feel valued and heard but you will forge a connection and grasp their meaning in a way that provides the foundation for your response.

Steps 6 through 10, in the next post, will guide you through your reply to the conclusion.

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