When we are young, we function from dependence. We need adults to take care of us and we must rely on them.
As we grow into our teens, we experience independence. We’re able to do more and more for ourselves. We learn to make our own meals, pick out our own clothing, and invest in our own interests.
We develop our identities as an individuals and live them out in the world.
Unfortunately, individuals (and countries) get stuck and unable to move past the stage of independence. Thoughts and actions become centered around the independent self, disregarding others.
Interdependence is the next developmental stage that we should strive toward.
Interdependence recognizes that we are emotionally, financially, ecologically and morally “interdependent,” that we are mutually and physically responsible to each other.
In business this can be seen in working to create “win-win” situations.
In personal life this can be seen in fulfilling relationships with family and friends and in making the world a better place for all.
Enjoy celebrating our Independence Day.
And create and celebrate your Interdependence Day as well.
Here are some wise people to learn from:
“Independent thinking alone is not suited to interdependent reality. Independent people who do not have the maturity to think and act interdependently may be good individual producers, but they won’t be good leaders or team players. They’re not coming from the paradigm of interdependence necessary to succeed in marriage, family, or organizational reality.” – Stephen Covey
“Interdependence is and ought to be as much the ideal of man as self-sufficiency. Man is a social being. Without interrelation with society he cannot realize his oneness with the universe or suppress his egotism. His social interdependence enables him to test his faith and to prove himself on the touchstone of reality.” –Mahatma Gandhi
“…for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.
“When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe.” – John Muir
?
Does your interior dialogue ever sound like this:
- I should exercise more.
- I should go to church.
- I should eat better.
- I should call my mother (father, grandparent, etc)
- I should take that class.
- I should go see a counselor.
- I should start my business.
- I should be able to do it.
Or your thoughts (and comments) about others sound like this:
- He should do what he said he should do.
- She should apologize to him.
- He should cook more.
- She should take care of the problem with the car.
- He should call his sister.
- He should help me.
- She should help my friend.
Should can be a very limiting and hurtful way of thinking toward others and ourselves.
Look at the definition:
Should: used to indicate obligation, duty or correctness, typically when criticizing someone’s actions.
At its core, should communicates obligation and duty. It judges the correctness of the action or behavior.
And that just creates guilt and shame.
In reality, these are judgment calls of opinion, not fact.
Years ago I decided that I would eliminate the word ‘should’ from my vocabulary.
Here are two ways to modify the should dialogue, by stating the benefit and recognizing opinion.
1. State the benefit.
The first change is to replace the word ‘should’ with the actual, tangible benefit we think the proposed action will give us or another person.
Example:
“I should exercise more.”
Now, stating the benefit:
“I’d be in better shape (or lose weight, or be able to play that sport, etc) if I exercised more.”
All of a sudden, the obligation disappears. There’s no implied guilt.
It’s a cause-and-effect situation now. Exercise and get in better shape. Or don’t.
2. Recognize the opinion.
The second change to make is to implicitly state that these are opinions.
By doing so, it removes the pressure of absolute truth and potential judgment.
And when you’ve already made the first adjustment, it creates a powerful shift.
Example:
“She should apologize to him.”
Applying the first change, we get something like this:
“She would feel closer to him if she apologizes.”
Although that might be the most likely outcome, there are other possibilities. He could refuse to accept an apology. He could blow up at her. He could storm out of the room.
Recognizing that we’re stating our opinion, which is never 100% accurate, we can apply the second change:
“I think she would feel closer to him if she apologized.”
And the original:
“She should apologize to him.”
If you say both out loud I think you’ll see the difference.
Now write down a few of your own ‘should’ statements. Then apply the two modifications listed above and see how they change for the better.
I’d love to hear in the comments about the ‘should’ statement you’ve rewritten.
