(Part 1 of 2: Steps 1 – 5)
Successful conversations are an important part of our professional and personal lives. Unfortunately, discussions don’t always work out they way we’d like.
Even though we’ve been having conversations ever since our parents taught us how to talk, we rarely stop to consider the process of a conversation and how we might plan to improve.
Powerful conversations contribute greater success to our marriages, friendships, parenting interactions, work environments…anywhere we talk to others!
Here is a 10-step framework that provides more profitable conversations.
1. Listen
Although this first step may sound obvious, many people are not good listeners.
We are often preoccupied by our thoughts and potential rebuttals and, as a result, miss inflection and nuance that add to the meaning. Or distractions, internal and external, cause us to overlook sections of dialogue.
There are four ways you can focus your listening:
1. Eliminate external distractions.
2. Reduce internal distractions.
3. Agree on the time available for the conversation.
4. Pay attention to your partner.
2. Clarify/Deepen
In our rush to speak our side, we often misunderstand the other person’s point of view and end up backtracking later in the conversation.
When we are listening well, we will pick up on points that are confusing or vague. Some ideas might be summarizing when you would benefit from further exploration. Taking a moment to ask questions both increases comprehension and communicates the value you place on the other person’s comments.
1. State your desire to understand or know more.
2. Ask for the clarification or additional information you desire.
3. Communicate when you have received what you wanted.
3. Be Patient
Use the time agreed upon to guide the pace of your conversation and don’t succumb to internal pressures to quicken the pace or jump to your turn.
1. Breathe.
2. Relax.
3. Watch the clock.
4. Validate/Summarize
It’s always good to make sure you’re on the same page before moving on. Take a moment to check with the other person to make sure you both heard and understood.
1. Summarize.
2. Respond to any misunderstanding.
3. Table topics that may have to be resolved later.
4. Validate feelings.
5. Think
We all love movies with quick verbal repartee, with conversation as a battle of wits. Unfortunately, most of us aren’t supplied with solid scripts before our conversations.
Many of us respond too quickly, often coming across as unclear, confusing, conflicted, defensive or even hurtful.
There is no rule that we have to respond immediately to anyone’s statements. Now is the time to take a moment and reflect on your response.
1. What are the most important issues to address?
2. What emotions are you feeling and how are they affecting your thinking?
3. Do you need more time to think about the issues?
(The “24-Hour” Tip:
A friend once told me that he waits 24 hours before making any important decisions. This also works well for conversations that provoke strong emotions.
One way to use time to help work through emotional conversations is to schedule two or three separate meetings a day or two apart. One person would get to speak the first time, with the other only asking questions or summarizing. The next meeting, at least a day later when emotions have time to settle, would be for the other person’s response, with roles reversed. The third meeting is used for a summary session, with the normal back and forth, to evaluate the success of the conversations.)
* * *
The first five steps are focused on your partner’s full expression and your comprehension. Follow them and not only will your partner feel valued and heard but you will forge a connection and grasp their meaning in a way that provides the foundation for your response.
Steps 6 through 10, in the next post, will guide you through your reply to the conclusion.
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