(Part 2 of 2: Steps 6 – 10)
My last post presented the first 5 Steps that start off a great conversation with family, friends, or coworkers.
You can review or catch up here.
Now that you’ve listened patiently, confirmed your comprehension and took time to think about your reply, you can use Steps 6 through 10 to guide you the rest of the way.
6. Get Permission If Needed
When conversations center around emotional and personal issues, asking for permission before proceeding may be helpful.
Here are some situations where you might want to ask permission first:
- Your response suggests they try a different way of acting or behaving.
- Your response points out a flaw or error in their logic.
- Your response provides evidence that contradicts what they just told you.
- Your response lays out a different perspective.
- Your response will share how you’ve been hurt by their actions.
The act of asking permission has several positive results.
- It shows them you value their feelings.
- It prepares them mentally for your response.
- An agreement (people usually agree) shifts their mind to be open to accepting your feedback.
- Lack of agreement is a sure sign of conversational conflict and allows you to reconsider your next steps.
There are a many different ways you can ask for permission, such as:
- “Would you like to hear my perspective on the issue?”
- “I’d like to share with you some research you might not know about.”
- “I think there might be some other ways you could have handled that situation. May I share some?”
- “Can I share with you how I feel about this?”
Of course, not all conversations have issues that require this sort of inquiry. Even so, it’s good to check in with yourself at this point and decide whether getting permission might help the rest of your communication.
7. Share Your Side
Simply put, say what’s on your mind!
The reason this step says ‘your side’ is to keep you focused, clear, on track and centered in your self.
Try to avoid:
- Extremes: Using words like always or never.
- Blaming: Try to avoid ‘fault.’ Use cause and effect linkages if needed.
- Name-calling: Even words like lazy, dumb and unmotivated are names. Describe the actions when you can.
- Projections: Putting your unfavorable feelings onto your partner.
- Intellectualization: Avoid emotional issues through abstract thought.
- Generalizations: Using one situation to represent all situations.
Try to use:
- “I” statements
- Facts for fact and Opinion for opinion (Pay attention and you’ll be amazed how often these get mixed up.)
- Clear language
- Shorter sentences for complicated issues
Hopefully you’re using time to think (Step 5)as you share, which will greatly aid you in your communication.
8. Invite Clarification/Response
In Step 2, when you were the listener, you took the time to make sure you understood your partner. Unfortunately, your partner might not do the same.
As you share your side, check in from time to time with your partner. You can watch facial expressions to pick up on comprehension or ask the questions for your partner, to make sure they are tracking with you.
Don’t assume they understand. When in doubt, ask them.
9. Repeat or Wrap
The goal here is to leave the conversation with both sides satisfied, if possible.
That doesn’t mean everything is resolved in one fell swoop. Many issues take multiple meetings to sort out satisfactorily.
You may run out of time or find that the depth of the issues necessitate taking a break before continuing on. If so, schedule the next meeting or establish the next steps to be taken.
If the conversation has reached its endpoint, a quick summary can wrap it up nicely.
10. Express Gratitude
A final step that works wonders on relationships is to express gratitude to your conversational partner.
Think back to identify applicable topics:
- Your partner was a great listener when you shared your side.
- Your partner honored you by sharing painful parts of their lives.
- Your partner did not become defensive.
- Your partner used humor to avoid negative conflict.
- Your partner was very clear in communication.
It can bring the conversation to a fantastic close to offer your gratitude, as well as a handshake (or hug if appropriate!)
I’d love to hear your experiences with conversations, good and bad, and any suggestions you would like to add. Please leave them in the comments below.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Great post! Very useful. I think this topic is under-rated. Most people assume “I already know how to talk to people” but then go and make terrible mistakes when communicating.
I think listening is so important, and so rarely practiced!
Very true. We learn to talk so early on that it’s assumed we know how to communicate effectively. Unfortunately, being a good communicator is another level of skills (and listening well is a huge part of that) which need to be learned as well.
Thanks for your comment.